WHAT ONE LOVES is a film about the narcissistic bond between a mother and her son, raising questions about fear of abandonment, encroaching love, and emotional dependency — questions rooted in the psychological conflict of denying and sacrificing one’s own self.

For several years I have been deeply engaged with the topic of narcissism and codependency. Beginning from a very personal connection to the subject, my exploration has led me through psychotherapy, key literature, conversations with various psychotherapists, and even a support group for adult children of narcissistic parents. The experiences and insights I gained during this time enabled me to deconstruct my own narcissistic tendencies as well as the dysfunctional and codependent relationships in my life — until I was able to set healthy boundaries and detach myself from them.

Narcissism, as an inner psychological conflict, does not mean self-love — contrary to how the term is often used superficially and excessively in society. A narcissistic attachment or relationship is based on the desire for admiration, validation, and control, and exploits the other person. Behind the strong and confident façade of a narcissistic personality lies a vulnerable self. Because of low self-esteem, feelings of inferiority, and fear of loss, this vulnerable self is constantly struggling with intense shame, self-doubt, self-deprecation, loneliness, and isolation. A narcissistic person does not merely suffer from something — they suffer from themselves. In their subjective experience, they do not love themselves too much, but too little — in fact, they hate themselves.

This inner division is allegorically represented by the sick horse. The absence of a mirror in the riding stable also indicates that the narcissistic self lacks the capacity for self-perception or self-mirroring. Being perceived or mirrored by the son is therefore an almost vital mechanism for the mother’s vulnerable self. But the son also lacks this individual mirroring — this being-seen. When he realizes that the well-being of the horse (the mother’s self) is not his responsibility, the path of detachment begins.

Since the inner suffering caused by this condition accompanied me for much of my life, engaging with it artistically has become an essential form of personal growth and development. Loving is one of the deepest and most fundamental human needs — but only an emotionally mature person can truly acquire this ability. My aim is to explore the complexity of a person’s love that is in conflict with their own self-experience and self-worth.